The anxiety is a problem the last few days. Inside, I feel like everything is falling apart, like every move is going to be a mistake, lead to failure. And every mistake is magnified in my mind, turning and turning in a widening gyre until ... well, you know the poem, don't you? It's the end of the world. I can talk myself down, I can put on a calm, friendly exterior and keep the anxiety from ruining everything, but it takes a lot of energy to hold it back.
So, some days, I think about quitting everything (work, school) and going back on Disability. Avoid the (sometimes seemingly) inevitable crash & burn, breakdown, suicide that comes when the anxiety and depression burst the seams. Of course, given present political realities, I doubt I can count on the Disability option. (And there are so many who are worse off than me, who need that option. What will become of them?)
So, I'm going to mess with my meds a little, and find other ways to cope. I don't know if I'll talk to my psychiatrist about making the med schedule more flexible. I doubt he'd go for the idea, and I don't really like or respect him much anyway. What I should be doing is monitoring myself closely, exercising and meditating regularly, journaling, reaching out, blah blah blah. Perhaps I will. Perhaps today is the day I start back on some of that stuff.